Galore Mag: 6 tips on how to stalk your boyfriend’s ex… and not get caught

Hey you.
Yes lady I’m talking to you.
It’s ok, we’ve all been there.
You’re curious.
I used to date your new man and you want to find out a bit about me.
What I’m like, am I pretty?
(I’d better be uglier than you.)
Am I an airhead?
(And stupid as hell too.)
Am I fat?
(Please, please be fat.)
Feel free to answer these questions.
Thats the beauty of the internet.
Go on.
Google me all you like.
But be wise girlfriend. Don’t let me know you’re stalking me. Don’t make me feel hounded. The past is the past for a reason. I don’t want to go there, he doesn’t and neither do you. Nobody wants a restraining order, especially not me… again.
But you’re not the first to stalk me and get caught. Its happened a few times. So here are a few tips based on mistakes of others to help you stalk freely without me knowing.
1. LinkedIn
NEVER stalk an ex on LinkedIn whilst you’re logged in. Rookie error. The “People Who’ve Recently Viewed Your Profile” page will rumble you. I see you.
Be sensible now. It’s easy. Log out and stalk away freely off the grid.
Also, who looks for juicy details on LinkedIn? Do you really care that much what I was doing for work in 2009? What are you going to do next – call up my employer for a reference?
2. Facebook
Oh so dangerous. Mind that little thumbs up when clicking through your new boyfriend’s old photos. Accidentally ‘liking’ a 5 year old photo I’m tagged in will give the game away.
3. Twitter
Watch out – you might accidentally follow me or ‘favourite’ one of my tweets. It’s happened before. It’ll happen again. Be cautious.
4. Old emails
I once received 42 emails (yes 42) at 3am on a Saturday night/Sundaymorning from my ex. He was responding to a whole range of ancient emails I’d sent with comments such as “well that’s nice” and “lovely”.
I was SO confused until I opened one that said.
“So I see you took HER to nice restaurants.”
Turns out my ex’s girlfriend was ploughing through his blackberry drunk. Thinking she was emailing him. Whoops.
5. Text
Another favourite moment was a text from an ex I’d not heard from in nearly a year warning me to leave him and “the love of his life” alone as they were happy and he didn’t care about me anymore.
Weird thing was his grammar was AMAZING compared to when we were together. The guy used to write like a 5-year-old – now he’s Shakespeare? I later discovered it was his new lady friend, having a wild and unhinged moment. With immaculate spelling and grammar.
6. Don’t torture yourself with snooping through emails or texts. 
It won’t make you feel good. Plus, give the guy some respect – he’s not hiding anything… unless he still has that “special drawer”…
So there we go, food for thought. If you feel the need to scour the net for my online presence that’s ok. It’s only human.
But if its to feel less threatened then let me save you some time and anxiety…
Do I still like him?
Not at all.
It’s over.
I’ve moved on.
I’m not coming back.
He’s all yours.
So enjoy it.
Right, I’m off to stalk my ex through binoculars like a normal person…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s