A BEGINNER’S GUIDE TO DATING AN ACTOR
Don’t get me wrong I love the theatre. I love the movies. I love pretending to be someone else (I’m pretending I’m Donald Sterling now and punching myself repeatedly) But I don’t need it in my life all the time.
Some people out there decide they do.
And this, my friends, is just for you:
A Beginner’s Guide to Dating an Actor
If you’re going to date a thespian (step one, never date someone who seriously refers to themselves as a thespian) then you need to understand there are different types. Identify where your drama-loving-friend sits and follow my wise words.
The Student Actor
Aaah. The Drama School Student. Clear your schedule. You’re going to be busy. You’re about to sit through endless pretentious showcases where your new partner pretends to be the wind, or embodies the spirit of a tree or makes love to a lamp. Of course it could get worse than watching people pretend to be inanimate objects – you may have to watch drama students put on Shakespeare productions…
So if you’re going to date a drama student – they’d better be fucking handsome.
The Struggling Actor (aka. ‘The Waiter’)
Ok. Ok, Ok, I’m a total bitch.
But it’s true! (not the bit about me being a total bitch)
The up-and-coming actor fresh out of drama school is quite the commitment. They tend to work in shift jobs that mean they’re working most weekends and evenings for minimum wage. And are probably majorly depressed about it.
Be prepared to help them prepare for copious auditions for another chance to be ‘boy in café #3’, lend them money and be their rock. No matter how talented your other half is, it’s tough out there. And they’re going to need your support… and generous tippers.
Okay, it’s true, I am a total bitch.
The Soap Actor
Ah. The Soap Actor. There are two sub categories of soap actor:
Subcatergory 1: Soap Actor in Denial
Let’s face it. A soap’s a soap. Its not something that’ll break down barriers or change the world. If your soap actor boyfriend acts like he’s the next best thing since Daniel Day Lewis and he’s most likely to be seen lurking in the background of General Hospital, I’d get rid.
Subcatergory 2: The Frustrated Soap Actor
If you’ve spent the best part of your education honing your craft and racking up debts the size of Greece to end up becoming the best-friend-of-the-main-character’s-neighbour who gets three lines a season – it’ll get to you.
The Musical Actor
Aaaah. That sounds fun doesn’t it? A lovely happy cheery guy who can serenade you with his soothing voice and has the hot dancer’s body to go with it.
Seeing the musical once will be nice, then again with your mother. Then again with your friends. Soon you will change… the Jay Z albums will find their way to the back of the closet with that one K-Ci and JoJo album and you will gradually feel like your whole life is one, very long episode of Glee. Disturbing.
The Hollywood Movie Actor
If you manage to bag yourself a Hollywood actor, prepare to never see him. Be stuck at home watching it piss down outside the window whilst he’s away on location in the Caribbean for months on end filming a rom-com with a stunning up and coming Victoria’s Secret model-turned-actress. Once the film’s wrapped they’re straight off on a world-wide promo tour. Together.
Good luck with that