Galore’s guide to dating a Superhero
Co written with Tom Hawgood
Not just any hero but a superhero.
Luckily they are everywhere at the moment… a bit like syphilis and Benedict Cumberbatch. (Legal note: they are not linked)
I think I’d quite like to date a superhero. I once dated someone who told me he was a superhero… the police did not agree with him. (I kept the costume though)
Let’s have a look at the most eligible bachelors out there with superpowers…
Tall, dark and handsome. Great body and lots of money. He’s also got that brooding-man-of-few-words thing going for him and that of course makes him sexy. But let’s consider the low (slightly creepy) voice, the shifty eyes, the secret caves and worst of all – two phones. We all know you must never trust a man with two phones. The only people with two phones are drug dealers and twats.
He also seems to have a dark soul, which basically means he’s a moody git so I doubt he’d be a laugh a minute. (With the possible exception of Adam West’s batman who I reckon would be hilarious)
Bruce Wayne is also a recluse and that means he’s probably not going to be the one to go out and party with much. And when he does go out he hangs out with a man called Robin all the time.
Dating a superhero is going to be hard work, men with double identities are not easy people. So you need to choose one more carefully if it’s for the long term. Let’s look at our other options…
Oh Spider-Man. Now. We do have a problem here – I really hate spiders, not in a girly, I don’t like spiders kind of way. I mean I actually cannot be around them. I would rather share a room with Oscar Pistorius than a spider. That’s how much I hate them.
But anyone who lurks about at night in a Lycra jumpsuit scaling buildings and looking in windows could be seen as a bit perverse… just ask my Uncle Fred.
Peter Parker is a bit of a wet blanket with a lot of issues, too much baggage for my liking. I reckon Spiderman might turn out to be a bit clingy.
Socially withdrawn, emotionally reserved, troubled genius who physically transforms into an unstoppable lunatic under any kind of stress… is how I currently describe myself on dating websites. Maybe Hulk and I wouldn’t quite work out.
Oooh, I’m Captain America, the captain of all America, I’ve got a shield and I love America, did I mention I’m the Captain?
Piss off captain America, the only people who call themselves ‘The Captain’ are stuck up, water polo playing knuckleheads whose idea of a great conversation is saying ‘while you’re down there…’ when a nearby lady bends down to pick up her pen.
Obviously I don’t include Captain Birdseye on this.
He’s a real captain. I wish he was a superhero, he’s hot.
Amazingly hunky and got the Scandinavian Viking look down. Sexy wavy blonde hair. But besides his looks and his hammer, what’s he really got? He’s about as intellectually stimulating as a cushion, and far less rewarding than a cushion. I fucking love cushions.
He’s wealthy and handsome. But obsessed with gadgets. Maybe a bit too much. His geeky chat about his latest wristwatch with yet another “killer laser beam feature” will probably be a bit snoresville after a few months. You might as well just date a normal bloke with a computer game addiction…or Inspector Gadget. At least he has a helicopter in his hat.
I think if I had to pick, the ultimate boyfriend-material superhero would be Superman. Ok, so I’ve always been a DC Comics girl but I swear I’m not being biased.
I’ve thought this through.
Superman is strong, tall and handsome. Clark Kent is a journalist so he’d be clever and witty. He’s got the sexy suit and glasses look by day and sexy underpants for later.
Superman seems like a romantic and I’m sure he’d fly you to Paris for the weekend if you wanted. I bet he’d be brilliant at helping with housework. And he could open that jar of pasta sauce you’d given up on and put to the back of the cupboard.
I guess, like with all superhero boyfriends, the whole having to go save the world thing will get annoying, but because he’s super fast and will be back in time for American Idol.
If not (sorting out volcanic eruptions or stopping criminal masterminds from blowing up the universe can be lengthy processes) – he can always reheat dinner with his laser eyes and relight the candles once he’s home. And then you can finally focus your attention on those sexy pants… after working out how to wrestle off those pesky tights.